million dollar question

“What school are you going to after the Race?”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked that, I’d be fully funded!
…and here’s the answer 😉

In short, I’m not.

This season has been beautiful. Beauty in the midst of utter chaos.
Chaos in the sense of graduating, working, and fundraising, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. God has been and continues to teach me how to fully and truly rely on Him.
Even if it isn’t the logical option,
even if the world is telling me the exact opposite,
even if it doesn’t make sense.

This season has been full of decisions. Decisions based around colleges. Decisions I didn’t want to make. Decisions that I’ve been procrastinating making until the v e r y last second.

For the longest time, I had the idea that I would be saying “yes” to a college for life after The World Race. However, a part of my heart wasn’t on board with the idea, and so until recently I completely avoided making a decision about what to tell colleges or if I should even give them an answer — and the second option scared the heck outta me. Going into the Race without a concrete or logistical plan for after was flat out scary. In the back of my head, I wanted a security blanket to fall back on but by the time I return in May of next year, my window for applying to colleges for the Fall of 2020 will be long gone. Thinking about applying to college while in the field was vetoed pretty early on.

So I chose to avoid the matter, the chaos, altogether.

And whenever people would ask me anything related to college my words were simply, “I have no idea,” and quickly I’d change the topic. I found myself constantly thinking about it and battling an overwhelming insecurity. Insecure due to a feeling of inadequacy — coming from a culture around me that tells me college is necessary  and it must happen after the Race. So there I was, left with a feeling of guilt for something my heart couldn’t explain.

I prayed for clarity and strength in the decision He wanted me to make but… I still avoided it for weeks, weeks that turned into months. I lived in this weird abyss of feeling like I wasn’t truly, absolutely surrendering my all to Him but also not wanting to make a rash decision based on emotion.

I want to give my all to Jesus. Completely. Every corner of my life. Every valley and mountain top to Him.
I want to fully trust and rely on Him. For everything in life. Not just one decision.
This life is not my own and I owe every minute to Him. Not just nine months.

One day, while I was sitting with Him, I read 1 Corinthians 1:26 – 2:5 and felt unexplainable and profusely convicted; my thoughts were racing 10 million miles per hour realizing the answer to my prayer was right there.

“Brothers think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards… but God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong…
It is because of him that you are in Jesus Christ.. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirits power,
so that your faith might not rest on men’s wisdom, but on God’s power.”

I mean, WOW. Holy moly those were the exact words I needed to hear from Him. So powerful.

He’s been teaching me a lot of things recently. I need to learn to rest in His wisdom and power, not anyone else’s.
I’ve been feeling undone by His works and in awe of what He can provide, and I truly believe this decision is not my own, but rather His.

In September, I leave the country for 9 months.

In September, I join 40 complete strangers on a journey across the world.

In September, there is a new beginning on my journey with the Lord, but the following May will not be the end of it. So in September, I’ll leave with open hands, extending to Him, ready for anything.